


Desmond Makes A Sandwich

by Potato (nerdclubcosplay)



Series: Desmond Does Things [1]
Category: Assassin's Creed - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Assassin's Creed - Freeform, Assassin's Creed 2 - Freeform, Assassin's Creed 3, Assassin's Creed crack, Cooking, Crack, Desmond can't cook, Desmond can't do anything, Desmond is alive and well and smoking weed every day, M/M, Sandwiches, Shaun just wants some goddamn peace and quiet, The Animus is still laughing in the corner at these losers, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This is crack, no really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-25 10:07:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13831938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdclubcosplay/pseuds/Potato
Summary: I had to stop writing "Take My Name Now?" because I was literally sobbing and screeching at my TV (where AC3 was running for me to play when I ran out of writing juice) so here's what I did to cheer myself up. Hope you like the fanfiction version of literal drugs. (Don't do drugs, kids. Fanfiction is free, drugs are not. Make the smart choice.)As always, warning for language.





	Desmond Makes A Sandwich

**Author's Note:**

> I had to stop writing "Take My Name Now?" because I was literally sobbing and screeching at my TV (where AC3 was running for me to play when I ran out of writing juice) so here's what I did to cheer myself up. Hope you like the fanfiction version of literal drugs. (Don't do drugs, kids. Fanfiction is free, drugs are not. Make the smart choice.)  
> As always, warning for language.

     Desmond screeched incoherently at his video game as he started a boss fight over for the thousandth time. From his spot at his computer, Shaun grimaced and put in another pair of earplugs, stretching his ears out like Desmo-

     Shaun didn’t want that sentence to be finished. Ever.

     He was honestly trying to work, like a responsible person, but Desmond’s yowling was distracting him. Now entirely convinced that Desmond was like five years old, Shaun considered buying a binkie for him as a cruel joke, but he knew that would quickly turn into “Shaun has a daddy kink and I know it because he gave me a binkie!”. 

      Shaun in fact, never had, and never will have a daddy kink. Ever.

     “Fuck fall damage and fuck this game!” Desmond howled and threw his controller down on the couch beside him, along with his Doritos crumbs and empty Mountain Dew bottles.

     “Well if you’re finally done, go make me a sandwich, I’m hungry,” Shaun said.

     Desmond pretended not to hear and slammed his face into the arm of the couch, groaning in exasperation. He kicked a few times before just sighing and going limp.

     “Desmond. Sandwich.”

     “All right, fine, you burnt enchilada, I’ll make you a sandwich.”

     Desmond hauled himself off the couch and stormed into the kitchen. While he did, Shaun smirked smugly to himself and went back to typing. He thought he’d get some peace now that Desmond was out of the room. Suddenly, theodd1sout appeared to say “Boy was he wrong!”

     Loud crashes came from the kitchen the whole time Desmond was in there. It sounded like a symphony of screaming pans and dying ingredients. Shaun sighed when he realized what a mistake he had made. Mayonnaise shot out of the kitchen and slapped itself right on one of Shaun’s little machine-y doobops. An entire lettuce plant followed soon after.

     Desmond screamed and ran out of the kitchen, grabbed a bat, and ran back in. Not two minutes later, the fire alarm went off and Desmond’s screeching nearly drowned out the sound of the fire extinguisher. Shaun didn’t have any hopes for his lunch.

     An hour or so after the fire, Desmond emerged calmly from the kitchen. For some reason, he was wearing a suit now. Shaun didn’t want to question it. He gracefully hopped over the mess in the living room and presented the sandwich to Shaun on a silver platter.

     It was, in every way, a perfect sandwich. The lettuce sparkled and was nice and crisp, the meat and cheese were put together at the perfect ratio, and the bread wasn’t even dented where Desmond had been holding it. Shaun stared at it for a moment, wondering how in the world Desmond managed to make something other than Cup-O-Noodle and not ruin it.

     He cautiously took a bite of the perfect sandwich. Desmond smirked.

_      That bastard left the plastic on the cheese!  _

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't seen theodd1sout, you probably don't get the "Boy was he wrong" thing but like... Look it up. I promise you will not be disappointed. Go watch theodd1sout. Please? owo  
> Okay I just made a promise to myself and the world to never type that face again.


End file.
